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Jokes ! please feel free to add some jokes.
Wow! this side-splitting page has NOW been viewed more than
30,000 times
so somebody out there is .....laughing !!
"I've never laughed so much!"
said one well known reader.
Arguably the most famous Jokes Page in all Kent!
(add more jokes by clicking on "Add your Comment" below. It's open to everybody - so add your joke.)
Viewed 30870 times
17 November 2007
30,000 times
so somebody out there is .....laughing !!
"I've never laughed so much!"
said one well known reader.
Arguably the most famous Jokes Page in all Kent!
(add more jokes by clicking on "Add your Comment" below. It's open to everybody - so add your joke.)
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
30 August 2010 at 4:42 pm
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
30 August 2010 at 4:42 pm
After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
26 August 2010 at 12:10 am
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
26 August 2010 at 12:10 am
ah some very funny ones there ! Im laughing out loud.
I see this page has now been viewed more than 30,000 times. keep em coming guys...everyone's laughing.
25 August 2010 at 9:59 am
I see this page has now been viewed more than 30,000 times. keep em coming guys...everyone's laughing.
25 August 2010 at 9:59 am
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy was driving home, the worse for wear, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For pete’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
24 August 2010 at 7:10 pm
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy was driving home, the worse for wear, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For pete’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
24 August 2010 at 7:10 pm
Subject: Fw: Sometimes, you need to be quiet!!!!!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You just shut your flaming mouth up ??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
22 August 2010 at 10:15 am
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You just shut your flaming mouth up ??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
22 August 2010 at 10:15 am
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens !!
22 August 2010 at 10:11 am
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens !!
22 August 2010 at 10:11 am
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
22 August 2010 at 10:08 am
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
22 August 2010 at 10:08 am
A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"
17 August 2010 at 2:51 pm
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.
"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy talking to two guys in a Fiat Uno."
15 August 2010 at 7:37 am
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.
"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy talking to two guys in a Fiat Uno."
15 August 2010 at 7:37 am
An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
13 August 2010 at 6:59 pm
I think i will start updating this page! just beware lol
9 August 2010 at 6:26 pm
9 August 2010 at 6:26 pm
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.
And so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and they're half the price."
6 August 2010 at 7:00 pm
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.
And so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and they're half the price."
6 August 2010 at 7:00 pm
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a
young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea
with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media
love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his
mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me,
the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but
I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
4 August 2010 at 6:56 am
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a
young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea
with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media
love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his
mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me,
the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but
I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
4 August 2010 at 6:56 am
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
"Fine,” I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."
"You crafty ba***rd!" said the fairy.
27 July 2010 at 6:43 am
"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
"Fine,” I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."
"You crafty ba***rd!" said the fairy.
27 July 2010 at 6:43 am
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and
sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.
19 July 2010 at 7:14 pm
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and
sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.
19 July 2010 at 7:14 pm
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive..'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
-------------------------------
12 July 2010 at 6:45 am
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive..'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
-------------------------------
12 July 2010 at 6:45 am
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
And one more!
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
7 July 2010 at 8:37 pm
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
And one more!
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
7 July 2010 at 8:37 pm
The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,” Leroy,
What do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
In a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
5 July 2010 at 9:04 pm
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,” Leroy,
What do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
In a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
5 July 2010 at 9:04 pm
STOP PRESS:
England have announced they are playing a new formation.
Instead of 4-4-2, it's now 7-4-7!
28 June 2010 at 7:32 pm
England have announced they are playing a new formation.
Instead of 4-4-2, it's now 7-4-7!
28 June 2010 at 7:32 pm
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy
comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I Feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
28 June 2010 at 6:59 pm
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy
comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I Feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
28 June 2010 at 6:59 pm
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning. 'It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible,' said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
23 June 2010 at 11:17 am
23 June 2010 at 11:17 am
Dover Council Chief Executive 'Nadeem Aziz' refuses to let Dover ENGLISH football fans watch the ENGLAND v Slovenia crucial football match on the Market Square big screen because it would be too popular - WHAT A JOKE !!
23 June 2010 at 10:39 am
23 June 2010 at 10:39 am
World Cup Joke OXO have got a new cube all white with a red cross and will be called the laughing stock.
21 June 2010 at 1:49 pm
21 June 2010 at 1:49 pm
Cat lovers will appreciate this!
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
15 June 2010 at 7:31 pm
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
15 June 2010 at 7:31 pm
A rabbit hopped into a butchers and asked "got any cabbages?"."no" replies the butcher,"I only sell meat" Next day rabbit hops in the butchers again,"got any cabbages?"."no" sez the butcher,"I told you yesterday I only sell meat".Third day,rabbit hops in the butchers again,"got any cabbages?"."Look" roars the butcher,"I'm sick of this,I've told you I only sell meat and if you come in here again I'll nail your ears to the wall.Now eff off.Next day rabbit hops in to the butchers"got any nails?" "No" says the butcher."well have you got any cabbages?".
15 June 2010 at 11:14 am
15 June 2010 at 11:14 am
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow ', this is Mujibar..'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him...
9 June 2010 at 7:02 pm
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow ', this is Mujibar..'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him...
9 June 2010 at 7:02 pm
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
6 June 2010 at 6:03 pm
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
6 June 2010 at 6:03 pm
Type your comment here...: 29 May 2010 - 22:36:23 »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things,
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
1 June 2010 at 3:35 pm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things,
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
1 June 2010 at 3:35 pm
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
26 May 2010 at 9:48 pm
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
26 May 2010 at 9:48 pm
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
25 May 2010 at 9:31 pm
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
25 May 2010 at 9:31 pm
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
25 May 2010 at 3:16 pm
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
25 May 2010 at 3:16 pm
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice whispered in the dark ...
'Pssssst! Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the DVD out so he could disconnect the cables, clear as a bell he heard ...
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird bloody Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
11 May 2010 at 10:11 pm
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
11 May 2010 at 6:42 am
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
11 May 2010 at 6:42 am
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6.YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
6 May 2010 at 9:07 pm
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But
how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
6 May 2010 at 9:01 pm
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But
how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
6 May 2010 at 9:01 pm
Three persons of ethnic minority were discussing the General Election whilst fishing on the Admiralty Pier. The Englishman said to the Scotsman what do you think about Taffs chances ? He replied 'Who cares, were alright jock and if he wants to get rid of the nukes I hope he's sitting on top of them when he does !'
6 May 2010 at 7:43 pm
6 May 2010 at 7:43 pm
NINE THINGS WOMEN SAY:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
26 April 2010 at 8:09 pm
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
26 April 2010 at 8:09 pm
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
26 April 2010 at 7:10 pm
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance......when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb..
23 April 2010 at 7:38 pm
23 April 2010 at 7:38 pm
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
12 April 2010 at 7:03 am
shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
12 April 2010 at 7:03 am